A January ago strangerhood perhaps met across a table.
Another January- known, unknown, understood, misunderstood, boundaries crossed, boundaries waited upon, withdrawn, welcomed again, withdrawn again.
Beside a presence that a January ago looked forward to for the comfort in a new environment.
An indifference that felt like a murmur of a heart.
A January ago meetings happened as if planned though they weren't.
As if destined to meet, to meet again and again.
A discomfort for the first time.
It was not the ignoring, it was how a presence beside defeated a closed self in a significant way.
Perhaps if smiles, nods and greetings had been held well, and boundaries remained uncrossed maybe it would have been easier.
A closed self having opened up to another so much, so much that it made vulnerability suffocate within.
The power we give people we lose to, to hurt.
I had almost lost myself to that kindness enough that just a sign of indifference seemed to affect a lot.
A small line, just a few words....stop it...held in them the ability to hurt , hurt and hurt within.
A certainty of being an unwanted presence, a quick apology before it stings too hard and then a realisation it is best to curtail a communication that seemed to be filled with misunderstood emotions.
I learn the polite nod, I take leave before the pain is sensed, before my eyes betray me.
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