The Burden of Guilt

Every child I guess is a little wicked at least once in childhood. But when I did this I did not intend to be wicked but I knew what i was doing was not right or perhaps at that moment it felt right or rather alright till I faced the consequences of my act. It was a summer mid morning and I was in the first form then... waiting for the driver to take me to school. My cousin and my brother were seniors in school so they were already at school giving their serious exams. I too felt serious about my reading test but was bored because the elders at home paid me no attention academically. They were of the opinion i was happy well fed and somehow i managed to top the class..guess my teachers didn't see through what a bloke head i could be at times. I stood near the gate waiting impatiently for the driver. Then I saw him before he saw me... a serious looking man... somehow i felt he had a rounded look but then I felt he must be one who could cane you if you did wrong. He came near me and asked "Can you tell me where Prof. U****** resides?" I do not know why I decided to say what I did. I guess it was the wicked girl in me. I looked at him and said you walk further down take the right turn and that is his house. The serious looking man said "Ok. Thank you". I watched him walk down further and smiled imagining him walk back.

 By then the driver reached and as i got onto the vehicle I told him of my latest prank. He turned around and said " you are not a girl. You are a monkey. where is he?what will happen if dad knows?" I shrugged my shoulders and replied " I will come back only in the evening and by then he wont know who i am". The driver just shook his head like i was someone impossible.
Evening I had almost forgotten about the incident and ran into my home... I stopped in my tracks unable to move unable to smile... the serious looking man sat in the living room sharing the evening tea with my dad. My dad by the way was by profession known as Prof. U*******. I knew it was the end of my world.. i felt a lot of fear as my dad motioned to me and said this is our daughter anusha and to me he said this is Prof. S*******, your mother's uncle and mentor for many of us. My dad puckered his eyebrows at me as he unusually did when he noticed something wrong in my behavior and i felt sure i was in for reprimand. But my dad only said " Don't you remember your manners?" I wished weakly" good evening uncle". The man nodded at me and asked " What's your name?" I managed to say my name and then he said" Perhaps you are tired after school and you would like to relax. We elders have a lot to catch up" I felt thankful for that excuse and ran into my room. I felt uneasy, i felt the world had ended around me , i dreaded supper time when it was definite that i would have to face my crime again. I was sure he would tell my parents what i had done. I finally dragged myself unwillingly  to the table where the rest of the family had assembled. My brother was curiously watching me sensing my quietness and my  unusually extremely well mannered way of the table.

I wanted to retire to bed fast and my mother asked me why i was unusually silent. She told her uncle" she is shy initially but she will be fine once she knows you well" I looked at him sideways just once before he turned to return my look. I loved food for once I did not relish my food. I thought that maybe he would tell it to my parents the next day.
The next morning after breakfast I was in the living room making a makeshift bed for the newly born kittens. I saw him settle down on the sofa opposite the floor where i was on my knees making the bed. I had not expected him to come in then if i had i would not have dared to be there in the living room. He looked at the entrance to the hall and then i heard him ask" So do you usually go to school mid morning?" I shook my head felt my heart almost stop and my mother walked in holding a delicacy for her uncle. " oh has she started her rattle?" She looked at me and said" see uncle likes disciplined good children" I gawked not knowing what he would reply. He only said" Go call your brother" I called my brother and thought maybe he would reprimand me before the whole family. But when my brother came along with me our mother's uncle only took out a text book and said" I want you both to study the words in this text and when I come back from town I will give you a dictation test. Whoever comes first will get a special prize from me."

My brother as usual told me he was the great and he needed just a glance to get those words right. I was weighed down by the fear of the uncle's reporting and more from the discomfort of his not mentioning about my act. Finally he returned from town with my dad and summoned us for the test. I could not bring myself to look into his eyes and my brother was all glee mistaking my tensed ways as difficulty with the words. I concentrated for anger in his voice as he dictated the words to us.There was no anger just the same objectivity and seriousness which also was reflected in his entire demeanour. My brother was writing the words down like he knew everything under the sun. I for once did not have time to react to his taunts and was more worried about my dark secret. Finally he corrected the test papers and summoned us. I stood with my head hung in fear. I was sure i would be put to shame and that my dad will be sad about what i did. I thought perhaps the test was just a ploy to punish me for my thoughtless act. But he looked at my brother and said" You because of your over confident self have got the word balloon wrong ", then he spoke to me," and you because of your lack of confidence hang your head down when you have got all the words right" I looked up and was overcome with both the joy of winning and more by the fact that he was not angry with me...that he had kept my dark secret to just himself. He gave me a box of chocolate covered nuts as the special prize. My brother walked away disappointed and as i stood alone in the room with the box the uncle asked" are you going to eat it all by yourself?If you are a real winner you will share the riches of your victory." Then my six year old head could partially understood what he meant as he said" Winning and losing are just always only a little apart from each other. In life it is nice to be important but it is more important to be nice to others".

I felt he was God, I felt he was the best uncle in the whole world as he bade us goodbye and as he walked to the gate with my dad he turned around and smiled at me and said" Get ready for the next test". Then my six year old head thought he meant just another dictation test.... but I never could meet him again and I realized through the years the depth of his message to me.  I was even more an ardent admirer of this wonderful person when I heard my mother say that he had told his third daughter, a medico that both the kids are smart but that the girl is smarter.  I vowed to myself  that it was my last mischief of that kind. And when i was past teens , i finally confessed to my dad what I had done.