pATTERN -LESS

There seemed a patternless shape to our meeting.

            All the ends through the months held endless beginnings in the ever alive hellos and goodbyes.

We discover our names just when it is time to part ways.

Days ended with a silent meet again.

And then the beginning held just an end.

Without words perhaps we held each other’s worlds, unknown yet understood.

With words perhaps we threw our world, known just to be misunderstood.

You who made me rediscover a hidden smile with a kindness offered unconditional across dormant coldness, also watched me recoil it all to an extent not to face again.

It would have been easier perhaps if I did not make that fateful choice to walk down a never trodden path.

But maybe I hardly realized it as a conscious act. I walked as if it was my natural place of trust, with a heart that did not least doubt you would alter soon.

What actually ends within when trust is messed.

Not regard, not faith, what ends within is a smile within.

I wade grim through the sudden lapses you offer, I take time to sense it is with conscious deliberate choice, it takes endless pain for that realization to sink in.

You who I believed in with unquestioned trust also show me my sincere relating didn’t mean much.

I almost finish within and I realize the fragments within me as I still seek your wish in spite of a reaction least expected.

The change initially shook me within, I reel in utter disbelief, I break within enough to indulge in erratic communication.  Through a sleepless hour of intense pain, I finally know it didnt matter neither my existence nor the relating.
 That you had managed to make a choice of distrust in me  listening to those who perhaps knew I would finish within with your misunderstood choice.

Perhaps while you chose to judge me through others’ views, you also killed me within across a distance.

I never needed proof of your credibility when I chose to dial digits, when I walked that path across to you; yet just a few green coloured minds were enough to make you mock my struggle for lack of proof.

I have written them off, you I can’t in memory of a kindness that was unconditional.

You can forgive betrayal in the unknown, never the known.

I watch your utter indifference even to the fact of a departure.

If you had just seen me with your mind and heart and not through others' coloured lens perhaps I would have survived it all.

I know I leave with you nothing. Or perhaps you have taken everything.

I also know I take away with me the ends of a smile and the borders of  a kindness I will remain grateful to.

The only relief perhaps is writing that shall never be known or read.