I loved learning and still do. But I hated the system of grades, marks and ranks. Any book seemed/seems passionate. Any topic was/is interesting as long as my mind is satisfied. The best time is nursery, particularly pre school when you just do not taste that poison of grades.I think my burden began from my first form. I didn't intend to top the class. But as destiny holds each of us at the end of a string I too had to hop and halt as it wished. It was a boring experience, being first in all subjects is not something great. Your identity as a human being is slashed down. Grades decide your brilliance. I remember through my school years I was destined to be first in all subjects at school. There were others who too were all near and nearing that great line of destiny that the world used to define who was the most brilliant. I never intended to be first. I still remember how that otherwise peaceful world of mine got disturbed. First form A section, white painted walls, black blackboard, browny desks and benches, bluish grey doors and windows and yes immaculate white placid nuns.
It was the first time we the class were becoming conscious of that bluish green report that was to decide who was less idiotic and who was more. I remember rising up on our benches as Sr. Jacqueline, the headmistress stepped in to issue the report cards. The first of a systemic strata that would take away my identity as a human. The rest of the class is asked to clap as I take my artificial identity from reverend hands. Sr. Jacqueline congratulates, I only hear the rhythm in the claps, I turn around to smile and see more than half my much loved pals give a weak smile. I am aware of the change especially the boys as I walk back to my seat. My neighbour does not look at me and it breaks my heart that Alan's smile too weakened. I then did not know that the worst thing that a human being encounters is standing first. I then did not know that my world was out of its natural being that henceforth it would be a plaything in the institutionalized systems.
After that first brush with grades life gets a little lonely for no reason sometimes for silly reasons. After that grades shall be your identity and most of those who long to get them and most who fail to get them alter their boundaries around you.That sealed my destiny for the rest of my academic life.The transition from primary to high school made me even more crazy for most around at that phase were cloned by the system. But that offered the freedom of not being a lone clone but being surrounded by other clones so that gaining grades became almost a musical chair. Class consciousness perhaps is also engineered through such silly parameters of socialization. Young minds formed strata , they branded themselves top creamy based on grades. I still remember a teacher who saw me as from that so called creamy layer telling me that me being friendly with those from the lower grades and no grades layer was a misfit. I didn't mind being a misfit. The ones with lower grades and no grades were far sane and seemed more normal to spend time with. I guess that teacher was among those who mistook accidental destiny for a studious mind. 
I have always been a little sad because of that misconstrued gap between what I really meant and what was socially accepted. I never intended to be first but then somehow I ended up so. People were always saying two words Doctor and an engineer. By fate and by conscious choice I did not end up in further grading systems. But then choosing to major in English was perhaps an even more insensible route. Advanced courses of literature appreciated what they called style. I did not honestly make any conscious effort. I liked learning and the system graded me with gold plated stamped seals throughout my course. I still remember each convocation, the lousy feeling that I felt as I walked that stage to be contained by my gold plated stamped identity. The last time I traversed that too familiar stage was in March 2008 to get my gold plated stamp for a PhD.
I remember male students figured more at that stage of study(guess that is stratification by another system) and as I settled back in my seat a biotech gander of a PhD next to me said "It is unfair to award a single medal and that too from all disciplines put together" I saw that years ago look I was familiar with but replied "If you ask me it is insensible to give it in the first place". He gawked at me like I was crazy and I was defined within a seamless crowd of funny, red, black and white gowns.... the endless stratified ranks of erudition, knowledge, scholarship. Perhaps that again is another aspect of a system that grades and measures. I would say the system enfeebles the human spirit. I hated the system of being branded by alphabets-- A 'H' meant a hundredths worth , an 'O' meant Outstanding(get that and you will stand alone before a crowd) and the list is endless. Since I still have a long way to survive within the system I curtail my freedom of expression at this point.
It was the first time we the class were becoming conscious of that bluish green report that was to decide who was less idiotic and who was more. I remember rising up on our benches as Sr. Jacqueline, the headmistress stepped in to issue the report cards. The first of a systemic strata that would take away my identity as a human. The rest of the class is asked to clap as I take my artificial identity from reverend hands. Sr. Jacqueline congratulates, I only hear the rhythm in the claps, I turn around to smile and see more than half my much loved pals give a weak smile. I am aware of the change especially the boys as I walk back to my seat. My neighbour does not look at me and it breaks my heart that Alan's smile too weakened. I then did not know that the worst thing that a human being encounters is standing first. I then did not know that my world was out of its natural being that henceforth it would be a plaything in the institutionalized systems.
I have always been a little sad because of that misconstrued gap between what I really meant and what was socially accepted. I never intended to be first but then somehow I ended up so. People were always saying two words Doctor and an engineer. By fate and by conscious choice I did not end up in further grading systems. But then choosing to major in English was perhaps an even more insensible route. Advanced courses of literature appreciated what they called style. I did not honestly make any conscious effort. I liked learning and the system graded me with gold plated stamped seals throughout my course. I still remember each convocation, the lousy feeling that I felt as I walked that stage to be contained by my gold plated stamped identity. The last time I traversed that too familiar stage was in March 2008 to get my gold plated stamp for a PhD.I remember male students figured more at that stage of study(guess that is stratification by another system) and as I settled back in my seat a biotech gander of a PhD next to me said "It is unfair to award a single medal and that too from all disciplines put together" I saw that years ago look I was familiar with but replied "If you ask me it is insensible to give it in the first place". He gawked at me like I was crazy and I was defined within a seamless crowd of funny, red, black and white gowns.... the endless stratified ranks of erudition, knowledge, scholarship. Perhaps that again is another aspect of a system that grades and measures. I would say the system enfeebles the human spirit. I hated the system of being branded by alphabets-- A 'H' meant a hundredths worth , an 'O' meant Outstanding(get that and you will stand alone before a crowd) and the list is endless. Since I still have a long way to survive within the system I curtail my freedom of expression at this point.
